


glass coughs

by higekiri



Category: Magi: The Labyrinth of Magic
Genre: Angst and Feels, How Do I Tag, I Made Myself Cry, M/M, No structure, written at 5am
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-30
Updated: 2020-09-30
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:47:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26736865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/higekiri/pseuds/higekiri
Summary: i thought about editing this into a proper fic but decided to leave it as the 5am-lack-of-sleep-version it was.listened to borrowed love by metro boomin and glass coughs by foxing on repeat while writing this!
Relationships: Judal | Judar/Sinbad (Magi)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 9





	glass coughs

after shared laughter come lonely tears,  
judar just always having sought for a relationship which consists of mutual understanding and trust, though not being familiar with this concept due to abuse, yet being sure sinbad could be the one to fulfill these requirements.

being rejected over and over again only hoping for a happy end, never holding personal grudges against sinbad but slowly reaching the point to wish for sinbad to fall into sorrow, desperately trying to numb the pain that lingers around his throat like tendrils.  
the hurtful nights that leave him exhausted, wishing for a way to fall asleep once their act is done, trying to flee from his painfully aching heart once sinbad turns around and widens the distance between them once again while leaving early in the mornings.  
thinking judar is still sound asleep, not yet realizing he surely is awake but pretends to sleep, hoping he would get some kind of goodbye yet always gets left behind like an already exhausted toy that cannot be used anymore.  
leaving as if it's the most natural thing on earth, not seeing his actions causing judar to hurt, even in the morning after, giving him no assurance for his worth in sinbad‘s life, due to own commitment issues not clearly seeing a future or how exactly that should look like, temporary or long term, blinded by past experiences of betrayal and not allowing himself to calculate just how much love he can borrow to the man he conquers every night, yet not proudly, just in passing.

he swore to himself to build judar up from the bottom and rise to the top together, for the love he has always provided him no matter how many times, uncountable times, sinbad rejected him due to his own insecurity.  
wavering self worth, existing only as a mask for the image he has to wield like a warrior, a mask that eventually tainted his vision of what’s important and what's not, well knowing judar had him falling for him completely almost.  
trying to deny these feelings, invalidating them as if they were of an alternate world that don't belong in his, rejecting the idea of them being made perfectly for each other, written in lines like a script that eventually turned into the symbolistic of century old conceptions that describe love and commitment as a loss of one's own conscience,   
loss of control of one's own deeds,  
forcing up beliefs of overly romanticized practices.  
dying from a broken heart or giving yours as a proof of your own undying love, ripping it out and delivering it in a box to show how deep the worth of your love laid in your heart,  
tattered it,  
ate it up.

judar always being a person fond of risking to gain it all, no matter the consequence, had noticed this wouldn't bring any of them happiness, nor eternal salvation.  
ready to give up the more cruel than committing principles he had followed up until now, change in order to make their love working out, coming to the result that he was ready to live for sinbad after all and after taking the tiniest and deepest hidden parts of self worth he had left after selling himself under his price for so long, channelling these into bravery to openly address his suggestion, being rejected once again by this gentle, only empty words spitting mouth that belonged to his lover.  
being told commitment is not needed in order to make it work, being told overthinking their love for each other does no good, requesting only a mere amount of worship and respect, judar decides to leave.

he failed at determining if he could do it any longer, the tendrils around his neck getting tighter and tighter, almost making him suffocate and lose what's in front of his eyes - sinbad - not willing to let his consciousness even dare to forget about the man who gave him a reason to live, yet never a reason to stay.  
memories being so painful, yet the only thing that warm up his frozen heart to the extent of him seeing the world in colors, colors so bright he had never witnessed before, exposing him to a world filled with happiness and pure grace.  
judar was ready to forgive the world that had betrayed him so many times before, but he had to realize that he was the only one.  
because sinbad wasn't able to do that.

the chain in his teeth and saint around his neck now once again being the only things accompanying him on the travels into an unknown world,  
a world which will be plain and dark,  
a world in which the sun will not rise in the mornings, filling the environment with life,  
a world in which the sun will not set either,  
will not dye the sky in innumerable nuances of the world's warmest colors anymore,  
a steady, long and cold night was what awaited him along the long travel road.

having exhaled love as pure as glass, shiny at first yet leaving effects of blackness, sharp as razor blades, causing coughing which eventually lead to spitting out black pieces of his lung, only giving a mere form to the damage he had taken by being left all alone again, by forcing himself to hold onto his feelings for so long. 

these glass coughs spitting black, dark dyed regret and sorrow, results of surviving the lonely i‘s and you‘s instead of us‘s, torn apart from each other having lost the part that held their connection tight together before.

he will disappear, though he always planned to disappear with sinbad together.  
running away for a better place, sounding like a fairy tale yet like a childish dream which is hard to fulfill, but was only ever an option to escape the boundaries set up by standards and assumptions of those who used to control his every thought and step.

but he will wander alone. 

in the end, the things that come out of the mouth come from the heart.  
his heart being pure and fragile, he always meant it.  
his lover may wonder, but he will never reach out.  
but maybe the tendrils causing his neck to bruise will finally rot and disappear so he can breathe again.

**Author's Note:**

> i thought about editing this into a proper fic but decided to leave it as the 5am-lack-of-sleep-version it was.  
> listened to borrowed love by metro boomin and glass coughs by foxing on repeat while writing this!


End file.
